Falling down the rabbit hole...

I want to love,

Like I’ve always dreamt of love.

I want to feel,

Feel more than just a warm body accompanying me for MY body.

I want to know,

To know there IS something out there that is worth its trial.

I want to be,

To be content, to be satisfied, to be happy.

I ache, my body aches, my soul aches

But what am I to do?

I’m just the glimpse of a shadow.

You may recognize my figure from the corner of your eye, but nothing more.

I am the girl who wanted to be there.

To hold you in disappear, and raise you up 

In both triumph and failure.

I wanted to be you.

And now, all I see is the failure that resides in me;

The hatred that refuses to leave my bones,

And the unquestionable heaven you stumbled upon.

How are you allowed to have it all?

How are YOU to be the one with the fairytale ending?

And with all the demons I’ve had to deal with, 

And all the debts I’ve had to repay,

Why can’t I see the light of day?

And all I can do is beg for you.

You, for who I don’t even know who I’m speakig to.

But you who I know understands.

I just want to be held, to be wanted.

I can’t bear to look into a mirror, or to see the scarred patches of skin caressing my body.

They will never leave me,

I only wish I can say the same of you. 

You, the same person I thirst for,

But you, the person who shows me at my darkest